Revisiting THE MAGIC GARDEN, or How I Plan to Keep my Girl Off the Pole

29 06 2011

Paula, Sherlock, and Carole

One of the great joys of parenting young children is the chance to return to activities that you enjoyed as a child. Having a child gives you license to play with toys, watch children’s television shows, go to Disney World, and to eat unhealthy shit like Nutty Sundae Cones and Chee-tos because “It’s a treat for the kids.”

240 calories, 11 grams of fat. I like to eat two in one sitting

However, one thing that I have noticed is that certain cherished icons from my youth have changed a lot over the last few decades. For example, as a child in the 1980s I adored my set of My Little Ponies. They were anthropomorphic for sure — but still fundamentally “horsey.” They were pretty but also demure. Clearly, these were ponies who were not yet interested in boys or parties.

Squeee!!!

When my daughter was around 2 years old, she received her first My Little Pony. As we opened the package, I was horrified. This little pony is clearly hot to trot:

Tramp

So what’s different? First, the pony is skinnier. That’s right. Skinnier. Because little girls aren’t exposed to enough images of impossibly skinny women. Today even plastic ponies are paranoid about the size of their asses. Now take a look at that snout. This new breed of pony has had a nose job. Nose jobs for ponies? Rainbow Dash will probably tell you that she had a “deviated septum,” but we know the truth. Other changes: longer, more tapered legs (Pilates?), longer manes and tails (hair extensions?), and more body art (kids today love their tattoos).

Bu Hasbro isn’t the only company invested in defiling my innocent childhood memories. Let’s take a look at a Strawberry Shortcake doll, circa 1980:

Oh how I loved Custard the Cat

I have many fond memories of playing with this Strawberry Shortcake doll and her beloved cat, Custard (they both smell like strawberries!) in my childhood bedroom. I especially loved Strawberry’s big, floppy hat, which implied that she spent her days baking delicious strawberry confections for her pals Lemon Meringue and Blueberry Muffin. There is nothing “sassy” or “fierce” about this doll. In fact, she’s sort of a dork. Just like I was at age 6 and just like all 6 year olds should be. I am very wary of “hip” children.

Now take a look at the Strawberry Shortcake doll my daughter plays with:

I'm pretty sure that new Strawberry Shortcake doll would make old Strawberry Shortcake doll cry in front of the entire 3rd grade class during lunch.

As with My Little Ponies, today’s Strawberry Shortcake appears to have grown up prematurely. The doll I played with as a child was a child: fat cheeks, stubby legs, lame clothes, etc. My daughter’s doll looks more like a precocious pre-teen: she’s lost her gigantic hat, she’s wearing heavy make-up,  and she is dressed in the requisite preteen outfit of miniskirt n’ leggins. Oh how today’s teens love the leggins.

And here’s a nice comparison of the 1980s Strawberry Shortcake cartoon heroine and her contemporary manifestation on TV:

"I feel sexy!"

In her wonderful book, Cinderella Ate My Daughter: Dispatches from the Front Lines of the New Girlie-Girl Culture, Peggy Orenstein analyzes contemporary girl culture, focusing several chapters on the premature sexualization of girls. In particular, Orenstein cites the concept of KGOY or “Kids Getting Older Younger.” KGOY is the idea that “toys and trends start with older children, but younger ones, trying to be like their older brothers and sisters, quickly adopt them.  That immediately taints them for the original audience. And so the cycle goes” (84). This might explain why my daughter’s Strawberry Shortcake doll is so much sluttier than mine ever was! Orenstein laments the early sexualization of girls, who develop an appetite for make up, short “sassy” skirts, and rhinestones at an early age. For another eye-opening take on this issue, read Lisa Bloom’s short piece in The Huffington Post, “How to Talk to Little Girls.”

But why is this problematic? I mean, can’t my daughter wear some lip gloss and strut around in the clear plastic princess heels a well-meaning friend bought for her? Isn’t she just exploring a role and enjoying the fantasy?  In an interview with NPR’s Diane Rehm, Orenstein explains:

“We have confused desirability with desire, so that girls feel they’re supposed to be desirable. But they don’t really understand their own desire. And when I talked about that with a researcher who studies girls and desire, she said that by the time girls are teenagers, when she asks them how they felt about an intimate experience, they respond by telling her how they felt they looked. And she has to tell them that looking good is not a feeling.”

When I read these words, I actually get tears in my eyes (as should you). Why is this happening to our daughters? How can we stop it? Often it feels like a losing battle. I may not buy my daughter slutty-looking dolls or T-shirts emblazoned with the words “Pampered Princess,” but other people do. And what should I do with those dolls and T-shirts? Throw them away? Explain to my 5-year-old that Strawberry Shortcake shouldn’t be wearing make up yet? That instead Strawberry Shortcake should look inside for her true worth?

This little girl is 2. I can't even process this image.

One way to counter this early sexualization in popular culture is to never let my daughter watch TV or go to Target or have a birthday party or leave the house. But that’s not very realistic. So another option is to direct her towards popular culture that has nothing to do with princesses or prettiness or lip gloss or sparkles, but that still appeals to a child’s sense of wonder and fantasy. And that is just what I did for my daughter’s 5th birthday [pats self on back]. I purchased a DVD of the classic children’s television series, The Magic Garden.

For those who were not young children in the early 1980s or did not have cable, The Magic Garden was a children’s television show produced for New York City’s WPIX station, aka, channel 11. The show aired from 1972 until 1984, and, as the cover of the DVD proclaims, it remains “the most successful  regional show in the history of children’s television.” The Magic Garden centers on two women, Carole Dumas and Paula Janis, who reside in a “magical garden of make-believe.” During the course of a typical 30-minute episode, Carole and Paula will sing several songs (in beautiful harmony), perform a classic fable with the help of the Story Box, read a joke or riddle from the giggling garden of plastic flowers known as the Chuckle Patch, and teach a lesson to the show’s antagonist, Sherlock the Squirrel. There was not a lot of children’s television when I was a kid, so every show was precious to me. I have distinct memories of running into the den on weekday afternoons, panicky that I might miss some of The Magic Garden‘s glorious opening theme song (a panic my children will never know due to the DVR):

I’m not exaggerating when I say that I still feel shivers of excitement when I see this clip; I am immediately sent back to my childhood. I remember my joy at seeing the window open onto the cheesy, 1970s-era studio set (it even looked cheesy to me as a child), as the camera slowly tracks forward until it reaches the show’s harmonizing stars, Carole and Paula, sitting on swings and looking swell. As I child, I loved their fabulous hippie hair, always styled the same way: parted down the middle and tied into two long ponytails. And I loved how inviting these women were: they smiled and cajoled, but not in the syrupy sweet way that other children’s show hosts of the era did, like Mr. Rogers or Romper Room‘s Miss Molly. It didn’t feel like they were adults talking down to me. Instead they felt like the coolest babysitters ever who wanted me to come and play in the magic garden with them!

"I can see into your soul. You ate Play Doh this morning, didn't you?"

When my daughter opened up The Magic Garden DVD set on the morning of her 5th birthday, her face fell. “What is this?” she whined. “It’s The Magic Garden!” I exclaimed. “It was Mommy’s favorite TV show when she was 5!” My daughter glanced at the cover one more time and then dropped it on the table to see what else we had bought for her. I did not let on that I was crushed.

Later in the week when my daughter was about to sit down for her much-anticipated, daily 30-minute dose of “screen time,” I asked her “So do you want to watch the new DVD Mommy bought for you?” My daughter scowled, “I didn’t even ask for that!” It was not until I had to drive my two children from Greenville, NC to Charleston, SC by myself that I offered up the DVDs again. My 18-month-old son hates the car. He hates being strapped in to anything and he hates looking at the back of my head (all attention should be on him at all times, a reasonable demand). When I could not stomach his screaming any longer I decided to put The Magic Garden into my minivan’s built-in DVD player (God bless the Mensch who invented that technology). As soon as the opening strains of the theme began to play, my son stopped crying. He was mesmerized. And so was my daughter. On our return trip to Greenville, my daughter only wanted to watch The Magic Garden: not Cinderella, not The Little Mermaid, not even that perennial car trip favorite, Dora Saves the Crystal Kingdom.

Currently, my children are completely enamored with The Magic Garden. This surprises me because 1) my son has never really sat still long enough to watch a TV show and 2) compared to the slick production values and high-definition images of contemporary live-action children’s shows like The Fresh Beat Band or even Yo Gabba Gabba! (which even seems to strive for a low-budget aesthetic), The Magic Garden is positively low-rent. The image transfer is grainy and blurry and the set, with it’s astroturf and plastic flowers looks like a parody of a bad public access television show. But that is what’s so wonderful about this show.

In the above Story Box segment (a feature of every episode), Carole and Paula dig through a beat up old trunk and pull out costumes made out of construction paper. Clealrly these items were put together minutes before the cameras rolled. For the story of the “Fox and the Crane,” for example, Carole’s Fox costume consists of a set of little brown ears attached to a plastic headband and the Crane is signified by a bright yellow construction paper cone that Paula holds up to her mouth. So in order to follow the story, children had to … use their imaginations!

Carole can rock an embroidered, fringe vest like nobody else!

And let’s talk about Paula’s and Carole’s wardrobes for a minute. As I recall, the women never wore dresses or skirts. Instead they always wore pants or jeans (or what my Nana used to call “dungarees”). These women didn’t look like magical fairy princesses or even cool teenagers. They looked like my summer camp counselors or my babysitters — fun women who played “steal the bacon” with me or hid under my bed during a game of hide and seek.

Sherlock and Flapper

And how about the two puppets who regularly appeared on the show, Sherlock the Squirrel and Flapper the Bird? The prop department couldn’t even spring for glass eyes — both characters instead have either felt eyes or paper eyes with the pupils drawn in. This aesthetic has the curious effect of making it appear as if Sherlock and Flapper are stoned or at least very bored — even when their voices are animated.

But this is the charm of The Magic Garden. No CGI, no sparkles, no high heels or make up, no faux “girl power!” Instead, it’s two real women, singing in their real voices, beckoning children, to “come and see our garden grow.” The only complaint I have about this DVD set is that it only contains 10 episodes (as well as a bonus 6-song CD). When my daughter told me that she wanted to watch this show “forever,” I had to break the news to her and she was devastated. “What? That’s all there is?” There were, in fact, 52 episodes of The Magic Garden that aired between 1972 and 1984, but my guess is that the 10 that appeared on the DVD were all that WPIX had saved. After, how could they foresee the phenomenon of TV-on-DVD?

I don’t want it to seem like I am implying that by buying my daughter a collection of TV episodes from my youth that I am somehow keeping her from becoming sexualized at an early age. The Magic Garden alone will not keep my girl “off the pole” (to quote a great Chris Rock bit).  Orenstein concludes her (often frightening) book in this way:

“… our role is not to keep the world at bay but to prepare our daughters so they can thrive within it. That involves staying close but not crowding them, standing firm in one’s values while remaining flexible … The good news is, the choices we make for our toddlers can influence how they navigate [culture] as teens. I’m not saying we can, or will, do everything ‘right,’ only that there is power — magic — in awareness” (192).

Preach on, Peggy.

Indeed, all I can do is make my daughter aware of what the world is like, and what traps might lie ahead as she makes her way as a young woman. I will tell her that once a woman starts wearing make up she will find that she doesn’t like her face any other way. I will tell her that while I think she is beautiful, she should never be defined by the way she looks. I will tell her that envy is a sickness  and that she should therefore never compare her appearance to another woman’s. I will tell her that her body is first and foremost something that she should enjoy. I will tell her that she must love that body, because it is the only body she will ever have. And, while I wait for the day when she slams her bedroom door in my face, rejecting all of that advice, I can offer her a “magical garden of make believe, where flowers chuckle and birds play tricks and a magic tree grows lollipop sticks.” I like hanging out there too, preferably while eating a Nutty Sundae Cone.





Top 10 Most Hated REAL WORLD Cast Members

28 06 2011

Editor’s note: When I first started this blog back in August of 2009, I had many lofty goals. First, I planned to post at least three times a week. Three times a week? What was I thinking? Blogging won’t get me tenure and it certainly won’t make my kids dinner and put them to bed at night. So now I try to get by with one or two posts per month (and yes, you veteran bloggers all warned me that this would happen). The second goal I had when I started this blog was to employ guest bloggers. My thought was that by doing so I could better achieve goal one and I could expose “my readers” (because I imagined this blog would have legions of eager and devoted readers) to the writing of people who were either too lazy to start their own blogs or who owed me big time. And indeed, just a few weeks after I got the blog up and running, I forced Randall Martoccia (who owes me hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid gambling debts) to write a blog post on a strange film from his childhood, The Bermuda Depths; he found blogging preferable to broken knee caps, as do most of my clients. Although I really enjoyed Randall’s post, and I think my five readers did as well, I never got around to recruiting another guest blogger. Part of that may be due to the fact that I quit moonlighting as a bookie. It may also have to do with the fact everyone who likes to write blog posts already has a blog of their own. Go figure. But luckily for all of you, Brian doesn’t have a blog and he has watched a lot of Real Worlds in his life. So he decided to compose a list of the “Top 10 Most Hated Real World Cast Members” just for you!

I should also note that as I read through Brian’s list I was struck by how much I disagreed with his choices (with the exception of Adam Royer, who definitely makes my Top 10). It’s not that I don’t think he has chosen some real douchebags — Genesis and Judd are too whiny for sure — but they don’t make my Top 10. For me the worst people on the Real World are those who believe that they are: really smart, really hip, really hot, or really talented, when they are, in reality, none of those things. Because isn’t that what reality TV is all about? Self delusion and the belief that the presence of cameras validates all those delusions? So that’s why I hate faux-hipster, Ryan Leslie, from Real World: New Orleans. He’s mean and homophobic but likes to pretend that he’s very open-minded and sweet. Then there’s Melanie Scott from Real World: Philadelphia, another faux-hipster who thinks she’s too cool for school. The differences between my list and Brian’s shows just how idiosyncratic this process can be. I happen to hate hipsters, so those cast members tend to bug me the most. Brian hates people who are more attractive than he is. It’s very personal, people. Hopefully you will chime in on the comments section and let us both know who you hate the most. And no, you can’t say all of them. And don’t say you hate me. That ain’t cool.

So, without further ado (although I do love ado), here is “Brian Klein” and his first ever guest post on this blog. His mother must be so proud.

*****

The Colonel: All that hate’s gonna burn you up, kid.

Robert: It keeps me warm

Red Dawm (1984, John Milius)

First, a confession: this is not my real name.  I have a position that demands that people place a great deal of trust in me, in my character, and I could never take the chance that one day they come across this blog and see evidence of mental instability. I have chosen the last name of Klein as I feel a deep sense of kinship to the Klein family and am often included in their family arguments.  Their arguments are priceless and can easily warrant a Top 10 list of their own.  Also, let me be the first to distance Amanda’s views from my own.  From reading her blog and interacting with her on Twitter, it is clear to me that she does not share some of my feelings towards cast members, but still is giving me a platform to express my views.

For me, this “Top 10 List of Most Hated Real World Cast Members” is not an exercise; rather it is a full expression of my soul, the dark parts, that watch MTV’s Real World and rage at the uncontrollable narcissism onscreen.  And that really is most of the problem.  Yes, they all have bad habits, things that annoy the other roommates. Some of them are violent, petty, mean-spirited and selfish (well, all of them), but it is their narcissism that really cuts to the quick and, I think, signifies the swan song of American Culture.  The interesting thing about their character faults is that they seem to be totally unaware of them.  How many times have we seen a Real World cast member explain to a roommate how “nice” they are only to see them the next scene brutally disparage an innocent person?  They have no self-awareness.  None.  It’s actually kind of fascinating.

So, this list will do two things: 1). List in order of magnitude the hate I feel for these cast members and 2) discuss the ways they disgust me.

10.  Adam Royer, Las Vegas (2011)

That's right Adam, douche it up!

Adam is the latest in the long line of drunk and violent men that the Real World specializes in.  What sets him apart from the pack is his obvious insecurity that makes his behavior more pathetic than scary.  I agree with what Leroy told him after he got kicked of MTV’s Challenges: The Rivals- his act is gonna get him killed one day.

2. Andre Comeau and Reigndance, New York (1992)

Stoned. Always stoned.

I bet he thought getting cast in the Real World was his big break.  Sucker. His personality and music were about as bland as a speech by Tim Pawlenty.  Andre taught the Real World producers to cast for conflict and we would never see his lukewarm ilk again.

8. Dunbar Merrill, Sydney (2007)

Help, I'm too dumb to stop strangling myself!

I don’t think I truly hate him, but I do think it’s funny that his name sounds like “dumb bar” and he is also kind of dumb. Why would your parents name you that and then also make you so dumb? Not fair.

7. Genesis Moss, Boston (1997)

No problem getting laid.

Enough with the tears and the “no one understands me” cause I’m gay and hot.  Newflash: you are hot and you are a lesbian- that’s not that bad and I don’t think you will have much trouble getting laid.  Also, you cry too much and are a drama queen.  I get the sense it’s all a show with you and that you are so far gone into your own phoniness you don’t even know who the real you is.  Maybe you are an empty soul and you really are as stupid as you come off.  In any case, get a life.

6. Jason Cornwell, Boston (1997)

"I might be talking about Jack Kerouac but I'm thinking about your boobs."

Let me guess: On the Road is your favorite book, you love the Velvet Underground, and you just want a girl you can be “quiet” with?  Bitch, please.  I have met so many fake wannabe sensitive writers and I can see behind your phoniness.  If you truly valued quality in this world, you wouldn’t be on a tacky reality show.  You have no credibility.  I don’t have much more than that. You just bug me man.

5. Dan Renzi, Miami (1996)

"What am I looking at? My shirt. It's over there. Can you get it for me while I massage my pectoral muscle?"

He set the gay rights movement back many years.  ’Nuff said. Also, who can forget his silly foray into high-fashion modeling, pretending he didn’t think he was that good looking and then preening and giving the ”blue steel” look to any shady photographer that asked? Finally, the envelope scene … what was up with that?  He crazy.

4. Kevin Powell, New York (1992)

If you pose like this, people think you're thinking about something important.

Kevin totally got into Julie’s face in that infamous argument during Season One, which is akin to yelling at a kitten.  Remember, the cameras caught it all, Kevin. You tried to invoke racism, but really, you were being a bully and she called you out!  You got played, son.  Now, I hear you have run for Congress three times and have lost each time.  Doesn’t that tell you something?  No one likes you. Including me.

3. Aaron Behle, Los Angeles (1993)

After starring on the REAL WORLD, life is just a series of champagne parties with other dudes.

Oh I hate this dude!  Totally narcissistic and egotistical, he treated everyone like they were beneath his classic California good looks.  The guy actually admitted to voting for Bush over Clinton.  He sulked around the house thinking he was better than his housemates, and why?  Because he was an accounting major?  In my world, that entitles you to a big wedgie.  No amount of hanging with the Irish dude with wild hair would make you cool, Aaron.

2. Dustin Zito, Las Vegas (2011)

What's below the frame, Dustin? What's below the frame?

What a dick.

First he’s all homophobic and Mr. Southern Gentleman, and then it turns out that bitch was doing gay porn for 4 years! Every part of what he presented to his roommates was fake and then he had the gall to act hurt when they shunned him for lying to them.  I also hate the fact that he is good looking and in shape.  Dustin, let me be clear with you, for as long as you live you will be a gay porn star. Might as well embrace it.

1.  Judd Winick, San Francisco (1993)

"This guest pass allows me all-access to the WhinyDouchebagLoser Association Convention. Yay!"

I struggle with this one.  While he is not a classic narcissist, he’s just so fucking whiny and weak that he offends my definition of what a man should be.  Always trying to be reasonable and everyone’s friend, always ready with an encouraging word, always playing the “unlucky in love” card.  Fuck you, Judd.  You’re a real loser and I have no respect for you.  Folks, I’m just going with my gut on this one.  When I see his face I am revolted and angry.








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